Event #6 | Can You Hear Me Screaming: Please Don't Leave Me?

[Alexander Attiyah]

[OOC: takes place after Alex is told about Emery. Which is still in the process of being told, but being that new threads can't be opened after tomorrow, I'm going ahead and posting this now for a stand-alone, monologue-type thread :3]

Rain pounded against the window pane, the sound reverberating inside the space. Yet Alex couldn't really hear it above the swarm of his thoughts. Emery's dead, he whispered inside his mind over and over like a broken record. Each repetition left him feeling more and more broken and confused. It couldn't possibly be true, yet it was. His sister was gone.

Crying silently save for the muffled gasps that left his lips, Alex leaned back against the table he had knocked over just moments before in his rage and clung onto himself with his arms, his body racked with sobs. Every ounce of energy and hope felt like it had been drained from him. He had honestly never felt so empty and alone... Of course, part of that was his own fault. Earlier, Cameron had given the ravenhaired some space, letting him cry out his frustration by himself. But it didn't matter. A part of his heart had been torn out. He'd never be able to hear his sister's laugh again... he wouldn't be able to annoy her, or hear her yelling at him for doing something stupid, or be there to support her in working towards her dreams...

And that reality tore him apart.

Why? he thought to himself as he continued to shake, his grip on his arms tightening. Why did she have to die? Why does any of us have to die? He hated all of this; he hated the bastard toying with them, playing with their lives... He hated the bastard who had taken his sister's life from him. But on top of that, he also hated himself. He hated the fact he couldn't protect her - to be there like he said he would be and keep her safe. He had nearly lost his sister once. Had almost lost her twice. And now... he muttered inwardly, his throat instantly choking up as he refused to finish that sentence himself.

Now his sister was dead. And he couldn't help but feel like it was his fault.

"I should've been there," he cried under his breath, his grip tightening so hard his nails were starting to bite into his skin though he couldn't even feel the pain; it was nothing compared to what he felt in his heart right now. "I should've kept you safe, and I failed you. I'm so so sorry, Em..."

Continuing to sob in between brokenly whispered apologies, Alex didn't even care about holding back his emotions as the dirt and grime and blood coating his face mixed with the tear streaks before landing on his exposed arms. He was never one to cry; never had been. And definitely not like this. But he didn't feel like himself anymore. A huge part of him was missing now; taken violently away from him without any chance of him even knowing if it wasn't for Cameron having confessed about it. And nothing so trivial as refusing to cry and keeping his emotions to himself seemed to matter anymore.

Emery was gone. And nothing could bring her back.

The breath seemed to leave him as a swarm of agonizing what ifs and guilty thoughts rang louder and louder in his mind. His body ached so much, and yet all he could feel was emptiness. He couldn't even hear anything besides himself... Not the thunder and rain outside, nor the sound of the others who had left. His breaths were heavy, his sobs and crushing despair making it hard for him to breathe.

Amid his grieving, he almost wasn't aware of the shifting atmosphere around him. As if someone had just entered the room and was now standing in front of him. No voices spoke; just the sound of his own breathing. Yet after a moment, his body began to tingle slightly like it did when he felt someone else in the room with him and his head slowly rose to stare blankly ahead, something in his mind clicking at the familiar presence he felt.

"Emery?" he called out into the still air, waiting on baited breath for a voice, a sign... any response that would tell him she was here. His hand automatically rose out in front of him slowly, as if to feel her skin against his fingertips though they came into contact with nothing but the cold air around him.

However it didn't deter his thoughts, not even in the slightest. He knew there wasn't anyone in this room with him and that he was alone. And more than that, he knew his sister was gone... It could have all been a figment of his imagination considering how desperately he wished she was there. Yet he was so sure she was really there right in front of him. He couldn't hear her, couldn't see her... He couldn't even explain the emotions he was feeling right now. But he just knew she was there. And while a part of him should have been worried considering Amanda's situation, he didn't have any fear or doubt in that thought.

Because what he felt next that instantly made his body react was a brushing sensation like warm fingers were touching his cheek. It was unexpected and different, and not like a real person with flesh was touching him. It was lighter, like warm air. But the gesture wasn't frightening or made him feel uneasy. In fact it was familiar, safe, comforting... and filled with a love he knew so well. And immediately he moved closer towards the sensation, his lips parting in a hopeful whisper.

"Em?" he asked again, feeling so sure of what he was feeling. And as if assuring him of his thoughts, he suddenly felt the warmth leave his cheek and travel towards his arms where it wrapped around him as if embracing him, while a vision of the two of them sitting together in that hospital room they had been in all that long ago flashed in front of his eyes like a reemerging memory. It was as if he was seeing it all play out in front of him again, with her smile vibrant and bright. And both the thought and the image in his mind made him want to break down crying but smile all at the same time.

"It's you, isn't it?" he breathed out as a small smile formed at the corners of his lips, a mixture of sadness and happiness made evident in his blank eyes. He didn't hear anything in response, but he already knew the answers to his own question; he could feel it in his heart as the warm sensation continued to wrap around him as if holding him tight, causing his heart to immediately move in sync with the familiar gesture.

Biting his lip as his own arms traveled through the air, Alex could feel the spreading warmth shift a little as if bringing him in closer, creating a stark contrast to the cold air around him. Every single part of him wished he could reach out and hug Em back... to be able to hold her close one last time... The pleading wish made his eyes become wet once more with fresh tears and he struggled to speak, letting his heart speak his emotions instead. I don't want to say goodbye...

"I love you..."

The words he heard whispered gently in his ear were so faint, like a brush of wind. He almost would have been unsure of what he was hearing, but there was no faking the love that he felt in that moment or the comfort it brought him. It was Em's voice. He had heard it as clear as if she was there in front of him in person and he immediately let out a tearful laugh before his lips quivered slightly from the overwhelming emotions that made his entire chest hurt.

"I love you too, Em," he whispered towards the air as his feelings broke through into his voice. The movement of his lips and the way his heart hurt caused a fresh tear to roll down his cheek and towards his jaw, tracing the contours of his face. He hoped she could hear him, too, and know how much he missed her. He couldn't imagine living his life without his sister there with him, and yet it was a crushing reality he had to face now. One that he wasn't sure he had the strength to...

Feeling her so close yet so far away--knowing she was forever gone--was too painful, too bittersweet. He had no idea how he was supposed to do any of this without her. She had always been there for him to guide and support him... just like she was there with him now: giving him strength, letting him know she was there with him. But while he knew in his heart she'd always be there for him, he was selfish. He refused to let her go.

I need you, Em, he whispered inwardly as his body shook as tears silently ran in tiny rivers down his cheeks. I can't do this alone. I-I need you...

As if moving along with his own thoughts, Alex could feel that embracing sensation slowly start to pull away from him. And in its place, the cold, still air began to creep back and bite at his skin once more. "Em?" he breathed her name out, unable to see how his breath caused a small puff of air to escape his lips. The sudden shivers that ran up his spine as the temperature around him dropped caused him to instinctively raise his head, his eyes widening in both surprise and confusion while his breath seemed to leave his lungs. He could feel her shifting away from him. And his body automatically leaned forward to try and follow his sister, his hand reaching out in front of him where he could feel that warmth gradually move farther and farther away.

"Wait!" he begged with widened eyes as he realized her presence fading away, his fingers gripping at the air as if his hand was holding tightly onto hers. Meanwhile his face had contorted into a pleading expression, his voice breaking with every word he cried out. "Don't go, Em! - Please..." His words echoed inside the empty space, bouncing back at him as if in a mocking whisper. He knew he couldn't do anything to keep her here with him, and in his heart, he knew he had to find the strength to be okay with it. She had to move on... it was better for her. More peaceful.

But he wasn't ready... He wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to say goodbye.

"Please don't leave me..."

Breathing quietly in between short gasps of air, Alex sat there silently and unmoving, hanging onto the only sensation he had left of his sister there with him. Until seconds later as a silent answer towards his words, he felt a warmth brush against his cheek again right above where one of his tears was slowly making its way down towards his jaw, like Em's fingers were brushing it away before resting her hand gently against his skin. It was a simple gesture; no words had been spoken along with it. But yet in that tender touch he knew exactly what his sister was trying to convey and his sobs gradually began to subside as his eyes stared blankly ahead, envisioning her figure kneeling down on the floor in front of him.

She had a small, saddened smile on her face as she looked back at him. From the expression in her eyes, he knew she didn't want to leave him. But in her touch, he also felt strength again. Assurance. She wouldn't ever leave him; he wouldn't ever be alone. It didn't take away from the pain; not even close. But while he may not be able to feel her like he was now, it didn't mean she wasn't there - at least, not in her own way. She was a part of him, same as he was a part of her. And not even death could change that.

"I miss you, Em," he whispered quietly as a small yet sad smile grew on his own face, watching in his mind as she mirrored his expression. He could feel in his heart that she missed him too. But more than that, also knew she didn't blame him. There was nothing but love and kindness from that distant touch, and the ravenhaired instantly felt his chest tighten as a large weight was lifted off his shoulders. He hoped she knew it was the same for him as well. He did miss her, but he didn't blame her either for leaving. Nor for anything that happened in this hellish prison. She was his sister and he loved her, no matter what.

Holding on to the feel of her touch still resting against his cheek for a few seconds longer, Alex ever so slowly felt it begin to fade away and he leaned forward slightly, following her hand as a pained yet thankful and sincere expression crossed his face. And soon enough, she was gone, leaving behind only the memory of her presence as the echoes of the storm outside continued to reverberate against the walls while he sat silent and alone with a heart that refused to stop hurting.